


was i really your favorite person?

by Suspicious_Protagonist



Series: it's an effed up world [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, F/M, I'm Sorry, Lots of memories, M/M, Minor Injuries, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Squip, this started as a vent fic then i took it farther
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 06:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11248584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suspicious_Protagonist/pseuds/Suspicious_Protagonist
Summary: Jeremy left him, and there wasn’t any supercomputer telling him what to do this time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, this is my first work for this fandom. after i finish this fic, i may turn this into a series, so let me know if you like it!

Michael stared up at his tv screen , absentmindedly tapping at the controller in his hand. When the words “Game Over” appeared after a final scream from his character, he sighed and set the controller down. He let himself slide lower into the beanbag chair, looking to his left at the spare chair.

The blue beanbag sat untouched, as it had everyday for the last few weeks. The spare controller sat in front of it, the two things collecting dust in their state of abandonment. A sick feeling settled in Michael’s stomach and he looked away, turning his eyes up to the ceiling.

 

_It had started slow. Jeremy came over like he had before the incident and life seemed to return to normal. Michael let himself fall back into his comfortable routine. It didn’t last long._

_“I won’t be able to come over this weekend dude. I’m sorry,” Jeremy apologized, not raising his eyes to look at Michael. He felt his stomach drop but he ignored it, trying to stay positive._

_“It’s alright man. What’s going on?” Michael asked, trying not to sound too disappointed._

_“I’m going on a date with Christine.”_

_Michael’s mind froze as the school seemed to fall away from them. Jeremy had closed his locker and was staring at the ground, a blush creeping onto his face. The sight made Michael’s heart soar before it crashed back down._

_“That’s great man! We can always hang out another time, it’s no big deal,” Michael said, hoping Jeremy didn’t notice the crack in his voice. Jeremy looked up and smiled, the look of stress of his face disappearing. Michael forced a smile in return and swung an arm around his friend before turning towards the front of the school. “So what are you guys gonna do?”_

 

It had been five months since then. Jeremy started coming over less and less often. He had a date with Christine. Christine wanted to take him somewhere. Christine this, Christine that. Every time Michael tried to make plans, Christine was there already. Eventually Michael stopped trying.

The room around Michael was thrown into darkness, snapping Michael out of his memories. He sat up, glancing around the room. The tv had gone dark and his fan had stilled, no longer pushing cool air his way. He groaned and pushed himself to his feet, moving towards the stairwell. He flipped the switch at the base of the stairs. Nothing. He flipped it a few more times and got the same response. He let his hand drop and walked over to his bed.

He sat on the edge of his mattress, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He turned on the phone and there were no notifications covering his lock screen. The selfie that Michael had taken with Jeremy nearly a year ago looked back up at him, their faces shining with joy.

 

_Michael still remembered the moment when he and Jeremy had beaten Apocalypse of the Damned for the first time. The credits had started to roll and the boys were laughing in relief after playing that game for five hours straight, just trying to defeat the boss. When the two had calmed down a little bit, Michael had pulled out his phone._

_“We have to save this moment, man,” he said, pulling up the camera on his phone. Michael looked up and felt his heart twist in his chest for a moment. The light from the tv was the only light in the room and it lit up Jeremy’s features, his shining eyes and his half smile smile, the small curls in his hair and_ fuck-

_It was in that moment when Michael realized he was in love with his best friend._

_“Hello? Earth to Michael?” Jeremy was kneeling in front of Michael and waving a hand in front of his face, laughing slightly at his friend._

_“Oh sorry,” Michael said, laughing and hoping the darkness would hide his blush. “Just zoned out. Reveling in victory and all that.”_

_“Alright man,” Jeremy laughed, sitting back in his beanbag chair. “You didn’t answer my question though.”_

_“What question?” Michael turned to his friend, swearing at himself when his heart sped up as Jeremy laughed._

_“Why do we have to save this memory?”_

_Michael paused, looking up and the nearly finished credit roll and then to his friend._

_“So that when we beat this game again, we can still remember what it was like the first time.” Michael phrased it as more of a question, looked over at Jeremy. He smiled and moved his beanbag closer to Michael._

_“Kinda dorky, but okay. Now take the photo, it’s 3 am and I can’t feel my eyes.”_

 

Michael shook himself out of his memory and looked down at the phone again. He unlocked the phone and dialed Jeremy’s number, hesitating just before hitting the call button. They hadn’t talked in a few days, Jeremy always too busy with his new friends and Michael too nervous to try to get his attention.

After locking his phone, Micahel threw it to the side and laid back on his bed. The room had gotten steadily warmer and his hoodie was becoming suffocating. He rolled over and his face brushed against something soft brushed against his cheek.

Jeremy’s cardigan. It was wrapped up in the blanket and pushed against the wall, almost forgotten in Michael’s mind.

 

_It was the end of April, and unbearably hot outside. Jeremy hadn’t been over in weeks but he had called up Michael, apologizing for being so busy. Michael couldn’t say yes fast enough when Jeremy asked to come over._

_Michael was leading Jeremy down the stairs and there was a nervous knot in his stomach. The two hadn’t hung out in weeks and he was panicking oh god what if things were just too different and Jeremy left-_

_“Ready to destroy some zombies, player 2?” Jeremy had already moved towards his beanbag chair, looking as nervous as Michael felt. The knot loosened and Michael felt himself smile a bit._

_“Who says you’re player 1?” Jeremy laughed and said something but Michael didn’t hear it. That laugh was replaying in his ears and wow did he miss that._

_After dying a few times, Jeremy set his controller down. Michael had already moved a fan closer to them, but the boys were still dying of heat. Jeremy slid out of his cardigan and-_

_Michael didn’t think he could get gayer but there he was, staring at his friend in a tight shirt, a very tight shirt that showed off his arms and what happened to the twig boy, when did he get muscles-_

_“Michael?” Shit. He was staring. He brought his eyes up to Jeremy, whose face was flushed (because of the heat why else would it be)._

_“Yeah man?” Michael screamed in his head when he heard his voice crack. “Did I zone out? Sorry, the heat is just melting my brain. Hard to focus.” Michael laughed, an awkward, nervous sound, before turning back to the tv. He could feel his entire face heating up and he tugged at his jacket a little._

_“You’re probably overheating because of the hoodie. Why are you still wearing it?” Jeremy questioned, looking back to the tv once he grabbed his controller. Michael mumbled something about it being comfortable before turning back to the tv._

_It had been so hot that Jeremy didn’t think about the cardigan for the rest of the day and left it there. Michael had tossed it onto his bed and after Jeremy left and tried his hardest to resist the urge to wrap himself in it as he drifted to sleep._

 

Michael pushed himself off the bed and grabbed his phone, moving towards the little bathroom that was by the stairwell. He shrugged this jacket off while he walked, the heat finally getting to him. He dropped the hoodie by the door before walking into the tiny room. It was cooler than the basement by a little, but that little bit of cool air was still refreshing. He closed the door and hoped that would keep the room cooler for longer.

He sat on the edge of the tub and pulled out his phone, staring again at Jeremy’s number. They barely talked anymore, but they were still friends, right? Jeremy would pick up the phone and Michael could hear his voice and the knot that had coiled into a tight ball would finally loosen some more. He took a deep breath, hit call, and held the phone up to his ear.

_Ring_. The knot felt like it was crawling into his throat.

_Ring_. People never answer on the first few rings, it’s stupid to get nervous this fast.

_Ring._ Right?

_Ring_. Jeremy would answer any second now.

_Ring_. It felt like the knot was blocking his throat.

_Ring_. Please.

_I’m sorry, but the number you called is not available. Please leave a message after the tone._

Michael didn’t hear the end of the message. The phone had slipped out of his shaking hands and fallen on the floor, bouncing a few feet away from him. Michael swore and dove forward, grabbing the phone and quickly ending the call. He slumped against the bathtub and shoved his face into his hands. A strangled groan tore through his throat before he moved to look at the phone.

There was a crack across the screen, covering Michael’s face on his lock screen. He carefully unlocked the phone and opened Instagram, looking for a distraction from the growing pit in his stomach. The pit seemed to shrink with every photo of Chloe’s nails, Brooke and her frozen yogurt, Jake and Rich doing idiotic things (like wheeling down the school halls as fast as they possibly could, seriously guys).

His phone slipped back out of his hand when he saw it. Christine posted plenty of selfies with everyone, she had even managed to get a few with Michael. This wasn’t anything new.

Christine had an arm around Jeremy, her smiling brightly while he looked off to the side awkwardly. He had that same half smile on his face that Michael loved so much, and his curls were mildly frizzy from the humidity and he was blushing lightly. Christine had posted a caption, nothing out of the ordinary.

_Going on a date to the movie with this cutie :)_

Michael knew they were going out. He knew that Jeremy spent nearly all of his time with her. He knew that Jeremy was probably with her today. But man did it hurt to have all of that shoved in his face.

Michael removed his glasses and took a shaky breath before getting off the tub. He walked over to the mirror and set his glasses on the counter with shaking hands. He looked at the mirror with narrowed eyes, trying to focus on his reflection and ignore the whiring thoughts in his brain.

 

_“Boyf, what does that even mean?” Michael revealed the writing on his own bag, putting the two together to say ‘boyfriends’. Jeremy blushed and complained before turning the conversation to Christine, and Michael pretended he was excited even though he couldn’t stop thinking about dating Jeremy._

Michael felt his back hit the wall.

 

_“You know that you are my favorite person,” Michael hears Jeremy’s voice in his ear, remembers the days right before the incident. He remembers the smile he had on his face for the rest of the day after that._

He brought his hands up to his head, swallowing a sob before it left his mouth.

 

_“We should split it. You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?” Jeremy looked nervous and held the pill carefully in front of him. Michael’s heart swelled but something was off. Michael didn’t really like this whole deal. But it’s Jeremy wanted, so he shrugged and responded._

His legs started to shake and he slid down the wall until he reached the floor.

 

_“Where are you going?” Jeremy looked worried when Michael stood up and Michael almost sat right back down and said ‘nowhere’. But he wouldn’t have any other time to go get that Crystal Pepsi. He told Jeremy as much and left, coming back to an empty table. He waited for a few minutes before going home._

Were those tears on his face?

 

_“Jeremy, are you coming?” Michael hated the pleading tone that crept into his voice, but he couldn’t help it. His best friend had been ignoring him and he wanted to be mad, but he looked so happy to see Michael and that stupid giddy feeling had returned. He looked back at his friend. The happy look was gone and his face look blank. Jeremy looked nothing like the boy Michael had fallen in love with. Jeremy whispered something then he was gone, like he didn’t hear Michael calling out for him._

He thought he heard his phone ringing. He was probably wrong.

 

_“Get out of my way. Loser.” Michael felt his world shatter around him. He knew Jeremy was himself at that moment. Jeremy meant those words. Jeremy left him, and there wasn’t any supercomputer telling him what to do this time. Michael stepped out of the way and leaned against the wall, sliding down until he was on the ground. A sob broke through his throat and he curling in on himself. He sat like that for a moment before moving over to the mirror, bracing himself on the counter in front of him._

_He heard knocking on the door behind him and ignored it. He squinted at himself in the mirror and he could almost see Jeremy next to him, smiling the half smile that makes Michael’s heart melt. He turned to see him but there was no one by his side. Another sob. The knocking seemed to get more frantic, adding to the banging in his head._

_Loser. Of course that’s what Jeremy thought of him. It’s why he went and took that pill. No one wants to be friends with a loser. And it wasn’t like he could blame Jeremy; Michael would get away from himself too if he could. But Michael can’t escape himself. He’s stuck forever, just the loser that fell in love with his best friend and lost him, just the loser that can’t do anything right. Michael raised his fist and yelled, aiming at his reflection._

The mirror broke, shards falling and cutting his arm. He brought his hand back and saw little pieces stuck in his skin. There was no pain and Michael didn’t know if that was good or not. He looked up at his mirror and saw himself reflected in each shard, dozens of Michaels, each pathetic and crying. A bitter laugh crossed his lips.

He hadn’t noticed the banging until the door broke down. He jumped back with a scream as Richard Goranski fell down on top of his door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rich to the rescue

What the fuck was Richard Goranski doing in his house breaking down the door to his bathroom?

“You weren’t answering the door,” Rich answered, shocking Michael out of his thought process. He hadn’t even realized he spoke out loud.

“Why were you in my house?” Michael asked, stepping backward closer to the bathtub. Rich stood up, rubbing his shoulder that he landed on. He looked at the floor, avoiding eye contact. “Jeremy called. Told me you had left him a weird message and wouldn’t pick up the phone.” Michael recalled hearing his phone ring, but he was sure it was just wishful thinking. The knot in his stomach twisted tighter.

“I had just dropped my phone is all. Nothing wrong going on here,” Michael lied, almost hiding the wobble in his voice. Rich raised an eyebrow and looked around the room.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, sarcasm dripping in his voice. “That’s why you didn’t answer the phone, locked yourself in the bathroom, and broke the mirror. Totally fine.” Michael felt himself stiffen and took another step back. Rich’s face seemed to soften as he looked around once more.

“Is that blood?” Michael looked up in panic and moved his right hand behind him. Rich was staring at the mirror, at the point where Michael had struck it. Rich turned his gaze to Michael and stepped forward. Michael tried to take another step back but he hit the edge of the tub.

“No! It’s not. It’s nothing!” Michael said, looking anywhere but Rich’s eyes. He turned his gaze back to the broken door.

“Michael what happened?” His voice was soft, almost unbelievably so. Michael looked up at him and the knot was back in his throat again. Tears pricked at his eyes and he sat on the edge of the tub, taking in a shaky breath.

“Hey, it’s okay man. Take your time,” Rich said, moving a bit closer to Michael. When he didn’t move away, Rich sat next to Michael on the tub.

The two sat in silence as Michael tried to collect himself. He didn’t notice that Rich had grabbed his right hand until a sharp pain hit him.

“Ow!” Michael pulled his hand back, glaring at Rich who held a piece of the broken mirror in his hand. He let it fall to the floor.

“You gotta get those out. So either you do it, or let me,” Rich said, a determined look set on his face. Michael held his gaze only for a moment before giving Rich back his hand. The silence resumed, punctuated by Michael’s groans of pain and Rich’s murmurs of sympathy.

“You gonna talk or what?” Rich asked, pulling out the last piece of glass. Michael looked down at his bleeding hand and closed his eyes.

_Loser._

“There isn’t much to say.” He was met with silence.

“Bullshit,” Rich nearly whispered the word and stood up, gathering all the pieces of mirror on the ground. “You don’t ignore your best friend to punch a mirror unless there’s something to talk about.”

“He’s not my best friend!” Michael shouted, tears pricking at his eyes again. Rich looked over to see Michael curling up on himself, a sob escaping the boy. “Not anymore.”

“Michael,” Rich paused, words catching in his throat. “I know I wasn’t ever the, nicest, to you and Jeremy, but even a blind fool could see that you two are as close as people can get without banging.” Michael laughed at that, a bitter, sad sound.

“We were that close. But now he has Christine,” Michael sung the name, resentment seeping into his voice. “He has her, and Jake, and Chloe and Brooke, and, and you. He doesn’t need me anymore, doesn’t want me, who would want to keep a loser like me around-”

“Stop.” Rich cut off Michael, grabbing onto his shoulder. Michael let his words die in his throat, ignoring the bile they left behind. “I know I’ve said different in the past, but you aren’t a loser. You’re actually kinda cool.” Rich looked embarrassed. Michael’s brain felt muddled.

“Thanks? I guess?” His words felt hollow and he thought Rich could tell. The shorter boy stood up and held a hand out to Michael.

“No problem. Now, would you help me fix this door?”

 

 

Michael still had no idea how it happened, but it did. He was back in his basement, playing video games, and it almost felt like nothing had happened. Everything seemed fine.

Aside from the fact that Michael had a ton of gauze wrapped around his bloody knuckles and he was playing video games with _Richard Goranski_.

Michael tried to focus on the game, and for a moment he almost felt like he was back a year ago, playing games with Jeremy and having the time of his life. Then he looked over and remembered exactly where he was. He mentally cursed himself as he felt his eyes water for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

“Dude you look like a kicked puppy, you gotta talk to me,” Rich pressed, setting his controller, Jeremy’s controller, to the side.

“Why did Jeremy ask you to come?” Michael wasn’t sure where that question came from. Rich looked confused, his head leaning to the side.

“Um, he wanted to make sure you were okay. Speaking of which, I should probably text him and tell him you’re not dead,” Rich trailed off, looking down at his phone.

“Why didn’t he come if he was worried?” Michael felt so small, his voice barely reaching his own ears. Rich was silent, and Michael thought that maybe he hadn’t heard him. Michael was hoping that was the case when Rich whispered back.

“I don’t know man. Because I was closer? People are weird. Maybe he thought you didn’t wanna see him. I mean, you were ignoring his calls.” Guilt struck Michael’s heart and he looked down at his hand. “Hey don’t go getting sad. Based on how you look, I’d probably have ignored my phone too.” Rich’s voice had no bite to it, but the words still put Michael on edge.

“I think you should go, Rich,” Michael said, not looking up from his hands. Rich was silent for a moment before he got up. Michael waited for the door to close but the sound never came. Instead, a phone was shoved in front of his face. Michael threw his head back and looked at Rich.

“Well? Put in your number.” Rich was looking down impatiently, shaking his phone slightly. Michael took his phone and looked back up.

“Why?”

“Because I’m not leaving until you do.” Rich had a small smirk on his face but his eyes looked… off. They looked worried. Michael looked away and added himself as a contact to Rich’s phone. He handed it back and Rich took it with a smile.

“Adios kid, I’ll see you tomorrow!” Rich nearly ran for the stairs and was gone before Michael could say a word. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket as his brows furrowed in confusion.

On his lock screen, there were six missed calls from Jeremy and just as many texts. Michael got sick at the sight of them and dismissed the notifications. All that was left was a text from a new number.

_ >:) _

Michael had the feeling this might be the start of a very odd friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's it for this fic! i'm thinking about writing a sequel for this from Jeremy's perspective? let me know what you guys think! tumblr : suspicious-protagonist  
> (I'm sorry I'm bad at dialogue forgive me) (i'm also sorry it's short)

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna scream at me about this or be more chill in general, my tumblr is suspicious-protagonist


End file.
